Bad scene last night. Had 5 ciders.
They were low sugar/carb so I'm comforting myself a small amount with that info. But still bad.
But gym this morning.
Elliptical, but did shorter intervals and went 5min longer. So burnt 410cal and did 5.6km. Which is super dooper :)
THEN went to the city to get LittleBrother his present (ticket to see the Wayans Brothers stand up comedy show in May), and had a simply lip-smacking Cajun chicken salad from a little Thai place (I know, Cajun, Thai, what the?), I think called Hum Cafe. Amazeballs! Highly recommend.
Ended the day with KFC, chocolate birthday cake and more ciders.
FAIL
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Late night thoughts on the nature of self
Are we what we are just because we are that way, or do we choose it in certain ways?
If we just are what we are, then why does pretending to be something start to make us feel like we're becoming it? (At least me, it's a bit presumptuous to say 'we' probably)
Since I've started caring more about the way I dress and the way I do my makeup and how my body looks, I've started to feel like I'm losing my depth of character and thought. Like I'm losing myself. Becoming superficial and narcissistic and stupid... And more feminine. But what the fuck?
Getting gel nails makes me feel girly. But that can SURELY not be physiological. It has got to be cultural. So therefore I only feel girly with fake nails because some particular culture that I feel part of dictates that girls/women have pretty nails. Women and girls are decorative. Of course. So then I should KNOW that that doesn't MAKE me anyone, it's purely a construct.
Why do I feel that I'm changing?
I know why. It's because I feel that I APPEAR different. And how we, (sorry I) see ourselves (myself) is very often through the eyes of others. I think they'll look at my nails and makeup and clothes and think "vapid, self-obsessed, unintelligent", so that's how I'm seeing myself.
Interesting ideas to think about... especially in relation to child rearing. I've heard it said before that the words we speak to our children become their inner voice. After thinking about it, I'd have to say I believe it whole-heartedly.
We are EXACTLY what we believe ourselves to be. What we do is who we are.
What are you?
If we just are what we are, then why does pretending to be something start to make us feel like we're becoming it? (At least me, it's a bit presumptuous to say 'we' probably)
Since I've started caring more about the way I dress and the way I do my makeup and how my body looks, I've started to feel like I'm losing my depth of character and thought. Like I'm losing myself. Becoming superficial and narcissistic and stupid... And more feminine. But what the fuck?
Getting gel nails makes me feel girly. But that can SURELY not be physiological. It has got to be cultural. So therefore I only feel girly with fake nails because some particular culture that I feel part of dictates that girls/women have pretty nails. Women and girls are decorative. Of course. So then I should KNOW that that doesn't MAKE me anyone, it's purely a construct.
Why do I feel that I'm changing?
I know why. It's because I feel that I APPEAR different. And how we, (sorry I) see ourselves (myself) is very often through the eyes of others. I think they'll look at my nails and makeup and clothes and think "vapid, self-obsessed, unintelligent", so that's how I'm seeing myself.
Interesting ideas to think about... especially in relation to child rearing. I've heard it said before that the words we speak to our children become their inner voice. After thinking about it, I'd have to say I believe it whole-heartedly.
We are EXACTLY what we believe ourselves to be. What we do is who we are.
What are you?
Day 10
I really wanted a glass of wine last night, but didn't have one. I'm kind of proud of myself. Small things lol
I'm sore from my workout yesterday too.
I did have a slice of pizza (damn brothers!) which was the only blemish on my otherwise very healthy day.
I'm seeing patterns of lots of little hiccups everyday. And huge hiccups (spews even) on the weekend, especially if I drink.
Drinking is a double edged sword. Not only is it unhealthy in and of itself, but it also makes you crave unhealthy foods, and not want to workout. And it makes you do dumb things too, ha. Triple edged?
Shame that it's such a good time really.
I think my waist is definitely slimming with the reduced alcohol intake. That's good :)
Also my legs are starting to tone up and even slim down a little because of my elliptical obsession, which is excellent.
Hooray for the gym! And not drinking! Haha
Now if only I could stop myself spending the money I'm saving from not drinking on nails and sales...
I kind of really like my nails now though, I feel so feminine.
I also feel superficial, vapid, and vain... But hey. There's some kind of equation to balance "beauty" and "being a whole and interesting person" I'm sure. Got to work that out. Maybe I'm just prejudiced.
I'm thinking about doing a Whole 30... ( http://whole9life.com/2012/08/the-whole30-program/ ).
It's basically a month of perfect eating.
Though I might need to start with a whole fortnight first. A whole week even would be good. Baby steps.
Anyways here's my day.
Black coffee
Iced coffee
Grilled chicken salad (excellent! Will buy again, maybe change the mushrooms to something else though) and water
Rest day from the gym. Well it was going to be, just cuz. Then I went anyway because I knew I really wanted to. Deeper down.
And now I'm heating up Chinese mincemeat my dad made last night for dinner.
And I really really want a glass of wine. Don't do it Jayne! Don't do it!
Will I? Won't I? Find out this and more tomorrow on the epic adventure - "Day 11".
I'm sore from my workout yesterday too.
I did have a slice of pizza (damn brothers!) which was the only blemish on my otherwise very healthy day.
I'm seeing patterns of lots of little hiccups everyday. And huge hiccups (spews even) on the weekend, especially if I drink.
Drinking is a double edged sword. Not only is it unhealthy in and of itself, but it also makes you crave unhealthy foods, and not want to workout. And it makes you do dumb things too, ha. Triple edged?
Shame that it's such a good time really.
I think my waist is definitely slimming with the reduced alcohol intake. That's good :)
Also my legs are starting to tone up and even slim down a little because of my elliptical obsession, which is excellent.
Hooray for the gym! And not drinking! Haha
Now if only I could stop myself spending the money I'm saving from not drinking on nails and sales...
I kind of really like my nails now though, I feel so feminine.
I also feel superficial, vapid, and vain... But hey. There's some kind of equation to balance "beauty" and "being a whole and interesting person" I'm sure. Got to work that out. Maybe I'm just prejudiced.
I'm thinking about doing a Whole 30... ( http://whole9life.com/2012/08/the-whole30-program/ ).
It's basically a month of perfect eating.
Though I might need to start with a whole fortnight first. A whole week even would be good. Baby steps.
Anyways here's my day.
Black coffee
Iced coffee
Grilled chicken salad (excellent! Will buy again, maybe change the mushrooms to something else though) and water
Rest day from the gym. Well it was going to be, just cuz. Then I went anyway because I knew I really wanted to. Deeper down.
And now I'm heating up Chinese mincemeat my dad made last night for dinner.
And I really really want a glass of wine. Don't do it Jayne! Don't do it!
Will I? Won't I? Find out this and more tomorrow on the epic adventure - "Day 11".
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Day 9, in which I talk about rape culture.
Woke up, had a coffee or two and made a smoothie to have later.
Gym at 10, elliptical. Apparently burnt 345cal today, better than usual.
Then did 3 sets of:
20 sit-ups with medicine ball
40 Russian twists with medicine ball
10 push-ups (managed to struggle through the first set strict, but on my knees after that)
20 hip extensions on each leg
Found a nice cool quiet spot, and finished Dodger.
Then I went to my favourite food spot Sumo Salad, and had a small Morrocan Lamb salad, which was frankly disappointing.
And then... some stuff made me really really very fucking angry.
I've been reading all over social media about a rape trial in America, in Steubenville.
I've been disgusted to read that many news outlets are outpouring empathy and compassion for the rapists, and not mentioning the victim at all, except to say that she was drunk. That is absolutely sickening.
Victim blaming is not okay. It is not her fault. Being drunk, and near males, does not mean that a girl has given consent to sex acts. It does not mean that any person has the right to have sex with her.
Yes, getting black-out drunk was a little silly, and was not the safest course of action. But she is sixteen. And thought she was among friends. She maybe didn't think that she lived in a world where if there is any alcohol around, every male nearby should be thought of as a threat and potential rapist. And if that is naive, yes of course it is, she's sixteen!
The only cause of rape, is rapists.
This girl is being treated as if the whole thing was her fault. She is being ignored by certain mainstream media, while they sympathise with her attackers. She is being bullied and threatened by more supposed friends. And, if my own experience is anything to go off, she's probably got other friends and family acting like it never happened at all, instead of providing support and comfort, and possibly even friends calling her things like "damaged goods" behind her back.
Rape and sexual assault are not rare. They happen to people you know. Your friends and your family.
And it isn't just committed by strangers in the street, it is committed by people you know. In Australia, 73% of sexual assaults are by family or people known to the victim. The reported rate for sexual assault against women is around 1 in 10 (1 in 500 for men). BUT only 15% of women actually report to police when they have been sexually assaulted or raped. So where does that put the numbers?
(Here's some stats for the U.S.)
How would you feel if this happened to your daughter/sister/partner? How would you feel if she was treated this way?
And what kind of message does it send to the public, when women or men who do report are treated the way Jane Doe has been treated in the Steubenville case?
It sends the message that rape-victims don't matter. That women don't matter. Women are things, play-things, not real human beings at all. That rape is the victim's fault, for being too drunk, too attractive, too flirty, too [insert excuse for rape here]. There is no fault attached to the perpetrator It sends the message that men are not in control of themselves, that they can't help it. That they cannot be trusted to respect the autonomy of another human being, and that they don't think of other people as anything more than an orifice.
That is not okay. Women are worth more than that, and men are better than that.
I think it is somehow easier for people to think that the victim caused it. Some women want to believe that they are safe from rape if they only dress or behave a certain way. Seems logical, but then rape would be a lot rarer than it is. I can only guess at why others would think it. Perhaps they don't want to believe that some men are capable of sexual assault and violence? Perhaps they believe that any woman (or man) who dresses or behaves in a certain way deserves to have violence brought against themself? That she(/he) is worthless, and it's just so unfair that a good honest football-playing, A-grade-achieving youngperson attacker should have their life ruined just because of a drunk/flirty/doesn't-meet-my-standards-for-worthy person victim?
I have a daughter, and I will make sure she learns how to defend herself. No matter how hard we fight, this culture will take a very long time to change. But also, if and when I have sons I will make sure they know that sex is only to happen with consenting partners, and that being drunk, passed out, wearing a certain outfit, or flirting DOES NOT EQUAL CONSENT.
And should any of them, son or daughter, witness or hear about anything happening to, or by, their friends, they are to stand up and fight it. Confront it, or talk to the police, or talk to an adult. But do not ever, ever allow it to go unchallenged.
Culture can change, but it only happens through education, and action.
Anyone who wants to act here's a list, from Pigtail Pals Ballcap Buddies on facebook.
"1. Sign this petition, now 74,000 signatures strong, asking CNN to apologize to the Steubenville coverage: https://www.change.org/
2. Sign this petition, now 49,000 signatures strong, asking the National Federation of High School Associations to incorporation a sexual violence prevention for their coaches:http://www.change.org/
3. Look up the address for your local Rape Crisis Hotline and write them a thank you note for the service they provide your community. (Most have PO Boxes easily found with a Google search)
4. Find the website for your local Rape Crisis Center and make a monetary donation, write a thank you note and deliver fresh flowers to their office, or review their Wish List and see what items they could use (bus tickets, postage stamps, office supplies are common requests).
5. Write a letter to the Steubenville victim and say what is in your heart. Publish it as your facebook status or as a blog post. She may not ever see it, but since 1 in 5 women are survivors of sexual assault, either you or someone close to you is a survivor. Show them the silence around this is breaking, and that you are not being quiet.
6. If age appropriate, talk with your children about what this case means for all involved. Talk about what the victim is likely feeling and experiencing, and how they would support her if she were her sister or best friend. Talk about the perpetrators, both the two on trial and those who stood by during the prolonged assault, and what attitudes led them to believe this was a funny act or something that was not a big deal. Talk about the attitudes and language used by the media. Talk about responsible use of social media, and what your family expects of them should they ever be exposed to tweets or Instagrams depicting a crime against someone. Talk about respect for their body and for the bodies of others."
Gym at 10, elliptical. Apparently burnt 345cal today, better than usual.
Then did 3 sets of:
20 sit-ups with medicine ball
40 Russian twists with medicine ball
10 push-ups (managed to struggle through the first set strict, but on my knees after that)
20 hip extensions on each leg
Found a nice cool quiet spot, and finished Dodger.
Then I went to my favourite food spot Sumo Salad, and had a small Morrocan Lamb salad, which was frankly disappointing.
And then... some stuff made me really really very fucking angry.
I've been reading all over social media about a rape trial in America, in Steubenville.
I've been disgusted to read that many news outlets are outpouring empathy and compassion for the rapists, and not mentioning the victim at all, except to say that she was drunk. That is absolutely sickening.
Victim blaming is not okay. It is not her fault. Being drunk, and near males, does not mean that a girl has given consent to sex acts. It does not mean that any person has the right to have sex with her.
Yes, getting black-out drunk was a little silly, and was not the safest course of action. But she is sixteen. And thought she was among friends. She maybe didn't think that she lived in a world where if there is any alcohol around, every male nearby should be thought of as a threat and potential rapist. And if that is naive, yes of course it is, she's sixteen!
The only cause of rape, is rapists.
This girl is being treated as if the whole thing was her fault. She is being ignored by certain mainstream media, while they sympathise with her attackers. She is being bullied and threatened by more supposed friends. And, if my own experience is anything to go off, she's probably got other friends and family acting like it never happened at all, instead of providing support and comfort, and possibly even friends calling her things like "damaged goods" behind her back.
Rape and sexual assault are not rare. They happen to people you know. Your friends and your family.
And it isn't just committed by strangers in the street, it is committed by people you know. In Australia, 73% of sexual assaults are by family or people known to the victim. The reported rate for sexual assault against women is around 1 in 10 (1 in 500 for men). BUT only 15% of women actually report to police when they have been sexually assaulted or raped. So where does that put the numbers?
(Here's some stats for the U.S.)
How would you feel if this happened to your daughter/sister/partner? How would you feel if she was treated this way?
And what kind of message does it send to the public, when women or men who do report are treated the way Jane Doe has been treated in the Steubenville case?
It sends the message that rape-victims don't matter. That women don't matter. Women are things, play-things, not real human beings at all. That rape is the victim's fault, for being too drunk, too attractive, too flirty, too [insert excuse for rape here]. There is no fault attached to the perpetrator It sends the message that men are not in control of themselves, that they can't help it. That they cannot be trusted to respect the autonomy of another human being, and that they don't think of other people as anything more than an orifice.
That is not okay. Women are worth more than that, and men are better than that.
I think it is somehow easier for people to think that the victim caused it. Some women want to believe that they are safe from rape if they only dress or behave a certain way. Seems logical, but then rape would be a lot rarer than it is. I can only guess at why others would think it. Perhaps they don't want to believe that some men are capable of sexual assault and violence? Perhaps they believe that any woman (or man) who dresses or behaves in a certain way deserves to have violence brought against themself? That she(/he) is worthless, and it's just so unfair that a good honest football-playing, A-grade-achieving young
I have a daughter, and I will make sure she learns how to defend herself. No matter how hard we fight, this culture will take a very long time to change. But also, if and when I have sons I will make sure they know that sex is only to happen with consenting partners, and that being drunk, passed out, wearing a certain outfit, or flirting DOES NOT EQUAL CONSENT.
And should any of them, son or daughter, witness or hear about anything happening to, or by, their friends, they are to stand up and fight it. Confront it, or talk to the police, or talk to an adult. But do not ever, ever allow it to go unchallenged.
Culture can change, but it only happens through education, and action.
Anyone who wants to act here's a list, from Pigtail Pals Ballcap Buddies on facebook.
"1. Sign this petition, now 74,000 signatures strong, asking CNN to apologize to the Steubenville coverage: https://www.change.org/
2. Sign this petition, now 49,000 signatures strong, asking the National Federation of High School Associations to incorporation a sexual violence prevention for their coaches:http://www.change.org/
3. Look up the address for your local Rape Crisis Hotline and write them a thank you note for the service they provide your community. (Most have PO Boxes easily found with a Google search)
4. Find the website for your local Rape Crisis Center and make a monetary donation, write a thank you note and deliver fresh flowers to their office, or review their Wish List and see what items they could use (bus tickets, postage stamps, office supplies are common requests).
5. Write a letter to the Steubenville victim and say what is in your heart. Publish it as your facebook status or as a blog post. She may not ever see it, but since 1 in 5 women are survivors of sexual assault, either you or someone close to you is a survivor. Show them the silence around this is breaking, and that you are not being quiet.
6. If age appropriate, talk with your children about what this case means for all involved. Talk about what the victim is likely feeling and experiencing, and how they would support her if she were her sister or best friend. Talk about the perpetrators, both the two on trial and those who stood by during the prolonged assault, and what attitudes led them to believe this was a funny act or something that was not a big deal. Talk about the attitudes and language used by the media. Talk about responsible use of social media, and what your family expects of them should they ever be exposed to tweets or Instagrams depicting a crime against someone. Talk about respect for their body and for the bodies of others."
My Sir Terry Pratchett infatuation
I adore the man.
The things he says, the way he writes...
He is so very well read, it makes me wish I was a student of history and literature. His knowledge of the past astounds me, and his visions of the potential of people always terrify me, or give me hope.
He knows that females, while distinct and unique, are just as capable, and just as three-dimensional in their character and their lives, as any male. It is such a loss to the world that more male writers (and in fact males in general) don't share this knowledge.
He seems to never stop pursuing knowledge, and is constantly revising his beliefs and understandings. Even Alzheimer's won't stop him writing and thinking. He just works out how to adapt and keeps going.
His imagination, creativity, and ability to make links is phenomenal.
And who else can make people think deeply and seriously about human horrors while simultaneously making them laugh?
But anyway. Enough of my gushing. I'm on a high because I just finished his latest (and non-Discworld) novel called Dodger, which is a slightly-historical fantasy set in Victorian era London.
I quite missed the magic and absurdity of the Discworld in this, but it was still a riveting adventure, full of the usual intrigue, trickery and cleverness that is any of Sir Terry's books.
I very much enjoyed the brief history lesson at the end too, where the actual historical figures who feature in the story are explained in a little more detail.
But my favourite part of all is the collection of quotes at the *very* end, from a character called Solomon Cohen.
Here they are for you to read and consider.
And if you find nothing at all in these words to stew and ponder over, I feel very sad for you indeed...
(Hope they're readable lol)
The things he says, the way he writes...
He is so very well read, it makes me wish I was a student of history and literature. His knowledge of the past astounds me, and his visions of the potential of people always terrify me, or give me hope.
He knows that females, while distinct and unique, are just as capable, and just as three-dimensional in their character and their lives, as any male. It is such a loss to the world that more male writers (and in fact males in general) don't share this knowledge.
He seems to never stop pursuing knowledge, and is constantly revising his beliefs and understandings. Even Alzheimer's won't stop him writing and thinking. He just works out how to adapt and keeps going.
His imagination, creativity, and ability to make links is phenomenal.
And who else can make people think deeply and seriously about human horrors while simultaneously making them laugh?
But anyway. Enough of my gushing. I'm on a high because I just finished his latest (and non-Discworld) novel called Dodger, which is a slightly-historical fantasy set in Victorian era London.
I quite missed the magic and absurdity of the Discworld in this, but it was still a riveting adventure, full of the usual intrigue, trickery and cleverness that is any of Sir Terry's books.
I very much enjoyed the brief history lesson at the end too, where the actual historical figures who feature in the story are explained in a little more detail.
But my favourite part of all is the collection of quotes at the *very* end, from a character called Solomon Cohen.
Here they are for you to read and consider.
And if you find nothing at all in these words to stew and ponder over, I feel very sad for you indeed...
(Hope they're readable lol)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Day 8, one week down
Breakfast was a black coffee and an apple pie smoothie. I had the smoothie because I knew I had no money for lunch once I got to uni and it would be too long to not eat until I got back home.
Did 100 calf raises and 60 knee lifts on each leg
Gym at 2:30
Just the usual elliptical "run" for half an hour.
Also did 3 sets of five reps with a 30lb weight on the peck deck lol. I wanted to do some more weights work, but some guys came in and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
After picking up WildChild I got home and had an iced coffee and the small amount of smoothie that was left from this morning.
Then I made (basil, lime and balsamic) tuna patties and had a few for dinner :) delicious!
Also had two glasses of wine, whoops! :-S
Did 100 calf raises and 60 knee lifts on each leg
Gym at 2:30
Just the usual elliptical "run" for half an hour.
Also did 3 sets of five reps with a 30lb weight on the peck deck lol. I wanted to do some more weights work, but some guys came in and I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
After picking up WildChild I got home and had an iced coffee and the small amount of smoothie that was left from this morning.
Then I made (basil, lime and balsamic) tuna patties and had a few for dinner :) delicious!
Also had two glasses of wine, whoops! :-S
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Day 6 & 7 weekend :-D
Day 6:
Had a Hungry Jacks chicken burger (minus one half the bun) coming home from a night out.
Then had chocolate for breakfast
Then had Hungry Jacks again for lunch :-S
No exercise to speak of, except for playing in the pool with WildChild.
And snacked on soya crisps D-:
And then drank all night.
Terrible day for health really lol
Sunday wasn't really any better
Had pizzas and coke for lunch
Sausages for dinner and wine after dinner while I read a new book (Dodger by Terry Pratchett)
Only exercise was playing in the pool. I actually really missed the gym, but I couldn't go because they don't have child minding sadly. Probably should have gone for a long walk...
Anyhoo, will be healthier this week :)
Had a Hungry Jacks chicken burger (minus one half the bun) coming home from a night out.
Then had chocolate for breakfast
Then had Hungry Jacks again for lunch :-S
No exercise to speak of, except for playing in the pool with WildChild.
And snacked on soya crisps D-:
And then drank all night.
Terrible day for health really lol
Sunday wasn't really any better
Had pizzas and coke for lunch
Sausages for dinner and wine after dinner while I read a new book (Dodger by Terry Pratchett)
Only exercise was playing in the pool. I actually really missed the gym, but I couldn't go because they don't have child minding sadly. Probably should have gone for a long walk...
Anyhoo, will be healthier this week :)
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