How to Create a 'Village' for Your Child at Day Care

You've no doubt heard the saying, 

"it takes a village to raise a child"

Many working or studying mums have no choice but to have their children spend many hours a week in long day care, and this can be a great source of stress, worry and guilt. 

I stressed myself sick about starting this Teaching Prac that I'm on at the moment, because it is 4 weeks of 9 hour days, 5 days a week. I felt like I was letting WildChild down, I felt like I was a traitor to attachment parenting, and most of all I worried that it would affect our relationship negatively. I worried that we would lose our closeness, that our bond would weaken, I thought I'd never get any time to enjoy my daughter's company, and I'd become "one of those mums" who seem always too busy for their children. 

I pretty much thought it was the apocalypse.

However, I have come to realise that not only do I have no choice (unless I quit my course, which I'm not going to do), but also that worrying is a completely pointless exercise. The best course of action is to take that energy that I would have wasted on stress, and use it for something practical. 

So I have started trying to foster more of a connection between myself and WildChild's Daycare, in the hope that, instead of feeling like she's missing out on time with her mother, it will be more like she is gaining time with a whole "village". Here's how I think I can do it:

 Don't Rush

One of the best ways to help children feel more secure about leaving their parents at drop-off time is to make sure it's a relaxed affair.

I've been trying to get organised 10 minutes earlier so that when we arrive at her Daycare, it's not a mad rush to get in, throw her into one of the teachers' arms and rush out again. Now we have time to stroll around her classroom, looking at yesterday's artworks and admiring the displays that the teachers have put a lot of effort into making. We put her bag in her locker together, and her lunch in the fridge together, and stop to chat to whoever we meet along the way.

Think about how it must feel for a child to have their parent get in and out as quickly as possible. I personally would feel like I'm being being left in a place that my parent doesn't like to be in. Having extra time to enjoy the atmosphere, and connect with the place, sends children a strong message that this is a desirable place to be. This is a fun place and a beautiful place and somewhere to be comforable, relaxed and happy. 

Know the Staff

In the same vein, if you want a child to respond to and like their teachers, you need to model that behaviour. 

One day last week my phone decided to get me up an hour early (I live very close to a state border, and my phone believed it was in the state that has daylight savings, when really we are in the state that doesn't), so completely by accident I had an entire hour to hang out with WildChild at her Daycare when I dropped her. I got to chatting with a few of the teachers and found out lots of interesting things, and lots of things that we have in common. This turned out to be an excellent mistake on the part of my phone, because now when I'm doing the drop-off or pick-up, I feel much more comfortable chatting about how WC is feeling that day or what the class will get up to later. As well as miscellaneous things like what we did on the weekend, which gyms they've tried, or where is good for lunch.

 It might seem pointless, but these little snippets of information help teachers know the children, which helps them connect and teach more effectively. It also helps you appreciate their work, and the effort and forethought that goes into the 'fun activities'. And lastly, it helps you feel that instead of leaving your child with strangers, you are leaving your child with people that you know and trust.

In a traditional environment, the adults would all have strong relationships with each other and transitions between parent and temporary carer would be very fluid and natural.

Try going over to a teacher and starting a conversation. It doesn't need to be anything particularly special...eg:

"How has your morning been so far?"

"I see the kids are really into the sandpit today."

"Ooh, I like your shoes." 

...Really, anything. You are just showing your child that this adult person is a friend. They are a nice person and someone you can both trust. Your little one can be more comfortable with their teachers, because you are.

Make Friends

This is probably the Early Childhood (student) Teacher in me, but I find children to be just as unique and interesting as adults are.

WildChild has found herself a best friend at Daycare, called Katie*. Whenever we arrive, Katie rushes over with the biggest smile on her face to give WC a big hug and a kiss. I started making sure that I say hi to Katie whenever I see her, and having 'conversations' (as you do with barely verbal toddlers) about what her likes and interests. Now it's to the point that three or four children will wander over when we arrive to greet WildChild and to tell us both about whatever is important to them at that moment (this often involves where their parents are at the present moment, and/or shoes). It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy to see my little girl being greeted excitedly by her peers, and it helps her begin her day more naturally when her friends come over for a chat and then whisk her off to play.

I met Katie's mum this morning too. We had a lovely chat about the things we had seen our daughters do to show how much they care about each other.

Take an interest in your child's social life, even when they're small. It helps them develop closer, stronger friendships (and I hope it will help when she's a teenager and her social life is a little more frightening for me).

The reality of modern life is that our personal 'villages' are not physical, and there may be little overlap between ours and that of our next-door neighbour's. It's easy to forget the multitudes of lives that are linked to yours. 

When your child is in daycare they are not in a vacuum of suspended animation, they are relating to people, they are learning and they are growing. Not being present for the entire day, does not have to mean that you can't still be part of it. You can make sure that you are linked to these people and these places and these lessons, and it will only prove beneficial for your child. 

Why we bed-share

The short answer is because it is natural and easy.

But here's a story for your reading pleasure...
When I was pregnant, I had a bassinet all set up for my baby next to my bed. I thought that babies were supposed to sleep by themselves, and be "trained" to sleep soundly through the night.
I just thought this was normal, I didn't have any idea how differently I would feel once I had a real live child.

After WildChild was born, everything went out the window.

Accidently passed out on the lounge, WildChild was about a week old
(This is not an example of safe bedsharing, but luckily my dad was nearby so no worries)

 I tried to put her in the plastic bassinet that was next to my hospital bed, but I couldn't bring myself to keep her there. I can't even describe the feeling of it, it was something like putting my own limb away from myself. I felt lost and scared and unatural with my baby away from me (which was nothing compared to day 3 when they took her away to test for jaundice, I was crying into my food).
So she slept on the bed with me. I put the side rail up and wrapped her up and slept with her beside me. The nurses occasionally told me it was against hospital policy, but they were very understanding and (several of them) told me they wouldn't tell so long as I didn't tell that they knew.
I guess I was lucky for that because as a new mum I was so impressionable and if someone had screamed about it then I would have overridden my instincts and put her in the cold plastic bassinet to sleep.

So that's how we came to bed-share. It was instinctual and natural, and it was also the easiest things in the world. I did try now and then in the following months to put her to sleep by herself, but she wouldn't have a bar of it, and it killed me to listen to her cry that she was scared and lonely.
I have always gotten as much sleep as I wanted or needed, never having had to get out of bed to feed my daughter. I guess this is why I've never cared that she didn't sleep through.

anyone feel like telling this mum she can't sleep with her baby?

When I thought about it a little, it made sense to me that doing what our species is designed to do will produce the best results. (Sound a little Paleo?)

It was only after being a mum for a while that I found many online parenting resources that document the short and long term benefits of bed-sharing for babies and mothers. Research by Dr James McKenna indicates that bed-sharing protects against SIDS (and other night-time dangers), facilitates breastfeeding, and produces happier, more confident people.* Babies don't know that they've been born into a safe place, they instinctively need their parents close to feel like they aren't in danger. They also need to feed frequently because they have very small stomachs and very quick metabolisms, which in turn helps mums milk supply keep up with her baby's changing needs.

Now that WC is 18months, I'm starting to think about her having her own bed. Although this doesn't seem like a very practical option while I'm living at my parents house, in a rather cramped room, so I'm happy to continue while we're here.
Perhaps when one day we have a home of our own she will have her own room and her own bed, but I won't force her to sleep alone if she doesn't want to, and I won't mind the cuddles at all :)

NOTE: This means safe bed-sharing, where the parent is not sleep deprived, under the influence of anything, they don't smoke, the baby is above the bedding, and there is not chance of baby falling into gaps that could crush a tiny body. There are dangers, just as there are dangers with cots, that need to be monitored and minimized.
However, for us, bed-sharing is lots of reward for much less effort.