Wednesday, January 23, 2013


What is trust?

Is it beautiful passionate faith or sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling "I can't hear you la la la la la"....?

If someone has deceived you, or broken a promise in the past, should you trust them again? Can you ever truly forgive/forget and really trust, or is there always that niggling fear that nothing has changed?

I try my best to be an open book. I share my passions and thoughts and enthusiasms and joys, and I share my pains and seek comfort from others. I don't have secrets.
(I have a secret folder on my phone with naughty pictures of a special someone. But that is a secret to protect their privacy, not because it would actually hurt anyone to see.)
There is nothing in my life, or even my head, that isn't known by at least one other person (and of course if some rogue thought pops in when no-one is around, there's always social media right?).

But not everyone is the same. Not everyone sees openness as positive. Not everyone can, or even wants to, share their whole life with others.

I struggle with people like that. I don't get it.

I understand that people are different and that some need more personal space, or aren't naturally connect-y with other humans. I know that when they do things like never actually answering a particular direct question, or not replying your messages of emotional turmoil because they're busy watching madmen, it doesn't NECESSARILY mean they don't care. They could just be completely and blissfully oblivious to the effects that certain actions have on other human beings.
I understand this intellectually, but I guess the whole system in their brain is so alien for me that it prevents me from really feeling that I can trust them.

Trust is so important to me. I believe it's one of the foundations of any relationship.
A child trusts their parents to care for them. Parents trust teachers to not throttle their children, and also maybe sneak a fact or two into their brains. Employees and employers trust each other to do their jobs properly. Partners trust each other to keep their pants on when they're apart (or maybe not, I think there's a variety of agreed upon behaviours between couples. That's their business).
The point is: without trust, relationships are just superficial. They don't mean anything and they won't last long. It's important.

But whose responsibility is it to maintain it?

I'm in a position with a particular relationship, where the trust has been broken before. We both want to get trust back in the relationship but I am really struggling to. The other person seems to think that it is my responsibility. To move on from the past and to begin again as before without discussion, and without making any changes. They don't want to reflect on what went wrong, and they don't seem to feel the need to PROVE that they deserve trust.
But my mind works differently. I want to analyse the past and try to make improvements. I need to talk about things. I need this person to show me that they are actually motivated to make this work. I want to get trust back, but I don't want to be the only one trying.
And I don't want to feel like I'm just sticking my fingers in ears and making noise, so I can't hear my fears.

I wonder if I am being unreasonable.
If I am just expecting others to change to fit me.
I wonder who should be the one to change.

I know people can change, but can *anyone* change, or only certain types? People don't change if they don't want to, that's for sure.

Can someone who has broken your trust in the past become trustworthy again? Or does the fear remain even if they do change?

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